We Have To Stop Calling People TOXIC!
We Really Need To Stop Calling People Toxic..
There is a trend to call just about anyone in our lives 'toxic', and it needs to go!
If you are someone that currently blames their circumstances, their environment, or the people in your life for how you feel and act, or for what privileges you don’t currently enjoy, for what seems currently unavailable to you — then this may not sit well!
However, if you are someone that takes responsibility in life, someone who does their best to manage their mind, someone who is looking outward, inward, and forward, prioritizing your growth and being of service, then this may well resonate for you.
PEOPLE ARE NOT TOXIC, they’re just not!
...and to boot, you don’t need to surround yourself with ‘positive’, ‘high vibe’ people to have a great life.
It’s really a ‘save yourself’ kind of narrative.
But, this kind of shirking of responsibility and blaming of others does not actually help anyone! Especially not you.
And..you know what? The reason this story ‘sells’ so well is because it’s a pretty seductive one to us.
It’s nice for our ego when we can blame others. We are too often fed this line to empower ourselves. Stand up for ourselves, we mustn’t get walked over!
How we really must set boundaries, not put up with gaslighting, cut people out, ignore people who are displaying ‘bad behaviour’.
And I'm sure it's agreed, we must take care of ourselves, and not accept any true abuse or ‘bad behaviour’ putting us in any real-life danger.
However, there is a different narrative to take into consideration — that does not involve this idea of simply extracting ‘toxic people’ out of our lives.
In fact, the truth of the matter is that the internet is likely 'to blame' for the end of many relationships that were in fact an opportunity for growth, that perhaps did not ‘need’ to end quite so dramatically! .
Because, let’s be honest, the same lesson will probably show up again in your life, right? . . Have you ever noticed how you keep attracting the same kind of ‘toxic’ people over and over again and keep finding yourself in very similar life situations?
So, let’s get this clear… I am saying that there is a BIG difference.
There is a time in life where you definitely need to get away and avoid serious danger, be that mental or physical.
Nobody should hurt you or torment you. That is a given.
However, haphazardly blaming another person or a circumstance in your life will prevent you from owning and accessing your true power. The fact is people exist and show up how they show up, they DO what they DO.
How we think about them and what they do, is up to us. How we REACT to the world around us is the thing that IS up to us.
People are NOT toxic — they don’t have radiation poisoning!
They are just people with opinions, ways of being, behaviours. .And how we feel and think about them is the meaning WE add.
We say ‘they are toxic, and that they are causing US drama”.
And then we go about gaining agreement with others that their behavior is toxic, (this is called gossip by the way).
Believing that a person has real control over how you REACT and that you can’t do anything about the way you REACT is tantamount to saying you are powerless.
The truth is, somebody that triggers you is somebody that can offer you a great opportunity for growth, if you’re willing to look at your own thoughts and get to the bottom of what is actually going on for you.
Being a victim of your circumstances will prevent you from taking action. You give up the chance of influencing the situation, you don’t try to work things out and communicate, you don’t negotiate, you don’t explain yourself, or bring any form of opportunity to the other. . . It doesn’t matter what this ‘toxic’ person does — nobody else can cause drama for you — because drama only exists in your mind. You are the one that says they cause drama.
It is subjective, not fact. Your thoughts about them are what causes your feelings. Basically — There is drama if YOU decide it’s drama. .
Furthermore, the likelihood is that if a person triggers a reaction in you and makes you feel like there is drama around them, it is something that will show up again for you around others too. You can cut this person out, but what if later this kind of personality shows up later as a; boss, a friend or even in your own child?
We have to be willing to deal with the people that trigger us in life, to learn and grow, because it shows us there is something in ourselves that is not yet healed, an upset inner child, an unwillingness to accept that human beings are all perfect, whole and complete as they are.
Most likely something you don’t like about somebody else is something you don’t like about yourself. (Ref. shadow work) . . Try on the thought that it is in fact YOU that is creating the drama?
It feels uncomfortable as hell, and oftentimes you won’t be ready to deal with it — maybe you’ll want to get away from that person. But it’s easy to be happy, jovial, the life and soul of the party around the people that you feel you can shine in front of, that seem to get you.
However, with the people that trigger you, well, that’s a chance to look within.
So, what is there to do in such situations?
1. Give up judgment of the so-called ‘toxic’ person — know that thinking of someone as toxic is you creating them as toxic. . Start to look for the good in them instead. Find something you CAN love. Understand their commitments in life, their experience of life, are they protecting themselves, their family, their values? What is it that is causing them to act in this way you don’t understand? Take a walk in their shoes to see if you can empathise and have compassion for their views and their situation. Even when it is a vastly different view to your own understanding. . (You don't have to keep them in your life but finding compassion for them will help you to stop judging them).
2. Get curious and talk to them, do not be in a world of assumption about their behaviour, views or life choices. If you can give up your standpoint and actually get curious and outside of the judgemental thinking, you can discover them newly. Find out what is important to them, find the human in them. You are really going to have to give something up!
3. If you decide if you still want to cut them out of your life, come from a place of clarity. Not from a judgemental place. Come from a commitment to something. If for example you are committed in your life to ‘peace’, and this person is not committed to peace. Then you are within your right to keep your boundaries. Share with them your commitment, if they are not in agreement, tell them it doesn’t work for you or your family to be near them.
4. Avoid using toxic to describe bad behaviour — name the actual behaviour they are displaying. What is the exact thing they are doing that is not in line with your values? Remember people cannot even be ‘toxic’.
5. Consider there is likely something that has happened in your own life that has now attracted this behaviour to you. As hard as it may be, take your own responsibility in the matter. This gives you power. It is not your ‘fault’. Feeling guilt will do you no favours here. But taking responsibility will free you up and help you take action where needed.
6. Stop labeling them as a whole, only name the behaviours, and you will be more empowered. See your own agency.
After deliberation, leaving the situation or person may indeed be the best thing for you — but do this after you have taken a look at your self and your own responsibility, and be prepared to do the inner work, or… don’t be surprised to see this situation arise in your life again.
Lua Jones is a Transformation Coach for women who want to harness their full power and potential and create their dream lives. . . If this post has brought anything up for you and you want to discuss it, please book in for a free discovery call via my Calendly link https://calendly.com/luajones/discovery